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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29706708">infinity</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DissociationWrites/pseuds/DissociationWrites'>DissociationWrites</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Buddie - Freeform, Car Accidents, Christopher Diaz is a Sweetheart, Death, Eddie Diaz deserves the whole world, Hospitals, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Tragedy, but Buck is his whole world so we're winning, no beta - we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 17:15:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,594</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29706708</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DissociationWrites/pseuds/DissociationWrites</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>He softly traced the swollen skin where Buck's birthmark sat, just above his brow, and above his eye. As he sat in silence, caressing Buck's face for what would be the last time, -and the first time, because friends don't touch each other that way- he couldn't help but think of what he told Christopher. And he couldn't help but argue with his aversion to the thought of an afterlife, because for someone as good as Evan Buckley, surely there had to be a place after this.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Right?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>A place of peace, of rest. An infinity, where good souls could be rewarded for the lives they imprinted on the hearts of, and left an effect on.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Eddie pressed his lips to that birthmark, and whispered against Buck's skin, “You were my infinity.”</em>
</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>179</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>infinity</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i'm sorry for this.</p>
<p>as always, Kudos and comments are SO much appreciated!&lt;3</p>
<p>
  <a href="https://twitter.com/bucksbuddie">my twitter</a>
  <br/>
  <a href="https://plaid-diaz.tumblr.com">my tumblr</a>
</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sound and feeling of Buck’s phone vibrating in the back pocket of his jeans made him jump slightly as he was sitting in silence, on his couch, lost in thought. He fished it out and checked the caller ID; Eddie. A fond, subconscious smile drifted across his lips before he accepted the call.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You were due for a call, Diaz.” Buck said, his lips curling into a cocky smirk.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He heard Eddie’s breathy laugh on the other line, “I never fail to please,” the other man answered before he asked, “You free right now?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh –” Buck stalled. He wasn’t busy, but he knew why Eddie was asking. And, while he’d love to go over right now and toss back a few beers, he knew they needed to talk about the massive elephant in the room; and Buck wasn’t sure he was ready for that yet. Because things were nice between the two men right now – they were exploring their feelings for one another, and had been for over a month. They’d both admitted that they liked each other in a way that went beyond <em>just friends,</em> and a couple of times things even got a bit...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Frisky.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And while being ‘frisky’ and casually being PDA, in the privacy of either of their homes, was nice and definitely sent butterflies to Buck’s stomach every time Eddie touched or looked at him in a <em>way,</em> Buck wanted more. He wanted everything with Eddie, and Chris. He didn’t want to have to put on the <strong>just friends</strong> mask every time both he and Eddie were at work so no one would catch on. He wanted the world to know that he was in love with his best friend.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But was Eddie in love with him in return?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That’s where a problem arose. Because while Buck was confident that <em>he</em> loved Eddie, he wasn’t sure if the feelings were reciprocated. What if this was just casual for the older man? What if Eddie wasn’t even looking for anything serious right now? He certainly had his hands full; he was a single dad and he had a full time career. What if Buck was just going to be a hassle on top of all of that?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But still...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah, I’m free.” He found himself saying, and then rolling his eyes at himself for being pulled in so easily by the sweet offer of spending a day with Eddie at his place. <strong><em>‘Idiot.’</em></strong> He cursed in his mind at himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck could practically hear the ginormous smile that split across Eddie’s face; “Great! Christopher’s at Abuela’s for the day, she’s going to be dropping him off right before dinner; you, uh... You want to come over?” Eddie asked, suddenly sounding shy. The mental image of Eddie with a blush coating his cheeks as he asked Buck to come over made the blonde grin fondly. He chuckled, “I kind of guessed that’s why you asked if I’m free – of course. Should I leave now?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh, yeah! See you in a bit?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yeah.” Buck answered, already making a grab for his keys.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They’d hung up right as Buck caught himself in the mirror; his hair was a mess. Shit.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He practically tripped over his own feet as he made his way up the stairs to his bathroom to hopefully fix the mess that sat atop of his own head. But once he’d put a comb through it, he realized that wasn’t going to cut it. While it was just a simple afternoon at Eddie’s place, probably on his couch, Buck still wanted to look decent. If they were going to talk about possibly becoming boyfriends, like, officially, then he didn’t want to look like a chicken just walked across his head.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Boyfriends?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It sounded odd to think of himself and a man in his thirties, who was already a dad, as <em>boyfriends.</em> Hell, Buck had already surpassed the age where he, or any potential partner, thought of him as someone’s “boyfriend.” But while it also sounded odd, he couldn’t deny the butterflies that had erupted in his stomach as he mentally pictured himself as Eddie Diaz’s boyfriend, officially.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck smiled at his reflection, once he’d slicked his hair with gel until it sat perfectly on top of his head in a way that he liked, bit his lip before he chuckled despite himself, and practically <em>skipped</em> down the stairs and out his front door.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>While Eddie sat at home, waiting for the blonde to arrive, he nervously fidgeted with his fingers as he considered all the ways he could potentially fuck this up. What would he say? <em>How</em> would he say it? He already knew what the easiest way to go about it was; Buck, I love you. But the four, simple words only made his chest tighten and his throat swell. It was annoying, and it was frustrating, because he couldn’t understand why he’d let so many moments go by without saying the words. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t ready; he was <strong>so</strong> ready, for Christ’s sake.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong><em>‘Then why is this so fucking difficult?’</em></strong> He wondered to himself, silently.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie sighed sharply, scrubbing a hand over his face. He checked the time on his phone, a frown appearing on his face; Buck should’ve been there by now. It never took this long for the blonde to show up at Eddie’s (and let’s be honest, Buck drives his Jeep like Dom Torreto on a race). He opened his messages and began typing a quick message before stopping, and deleting it altogether; if Buck was driving, he wouldn’t be able to respond to a text. Eddie dialed the younger man’s number instead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Straight to voice mail.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What the fuck? Did Buck turn his phone off?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie bit his lip before he began speaking, “Hey, Buck, uh... Just checking to see where you are, and if everything’s okay. If something came up, we can do this another time. Let me know.” He hung up and rested his phone on his thigh, still gnawing his lip between his teeth nervously. Eddie couldn’t explain it, but for whatever reason, his stomach was in knots. He felt like something was wrong.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And the knots only intensified after an hour of waiting and three more voice mails being left to Buck’s phone. When his own phone started vibrating, he jumped for it, expecting to see Buck’s name on the caller ID. But instead, he got Maddie’s name, and Eddie felt his heart plummet into his stomach.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Maddie?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Eddie,” she answered, her voice raw and trembling, and Eddie could hear Chim’s voice in the background sounding grave, “You have to come to the hospital. Buck...” She trailed off with a choking a nose, and it sounded like she was trying to catch her breath. Eddie’s heart was hammering against his rib cage.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Maddie, what’s wrong with Buck? Why’s he in the hospital what– ?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was cut off when Chim took the phone, “Buck was in an accident. He got struck by another vehicle on his driver’s side. He’s... He’s in bad shape, Eddie.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie grabbed for his keys, already halfway out the front door when he asked, “Which hospital?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Cedar Sinai medical center.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The moments after the phone call were a blur; Eddie didn't remember calling Abuela to tell her he was going to the hospital because Buck had been in a serious wreck, he didn't remember driving, he didn't remember entering the hospital and asking for "Evan Buckley? His sister, Maddie, called me, she said he was brought in", he barely remembered Maddie's arms extending towards him in a hug, but he remembered the sharpness of her sobs in his ear as she gripped him tight. He remembered her trembling voice as she told him Buck was taken up to the OR for surgery; "he was really banged up when they brought him in, I barely caught a glimpse of him, but, oh god, Eddie, it didn't even look like him."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And now, Eddie was sitting in the waiting room with Maddie, Chimney, Bobby, and Hen. All wore grim faces. Maddie's eyes were trained to the wall in front of her, next to the door that entered the ER; her eyes were blank, glazed, red-rimmed and swollen. She'd stopped crying, and Eddie hadn't even begun. But that was until it had all caught up to him; he was sitting in the hospital, he was waiting for Buck to be out of brain surgery, and the thought that his Buck would never open those beautiful blue eyes again hit him like a goddamn freight train.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>One tear fell, and it was like the dam broke, and down fell one tear after another, until he had to cover his eyes and break from Maddie's grasp on his hand.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Her eyes pulled away from the distance that she was staring into and they landed on Eddie's hunched over body, his elbows on his knees, his head in his palms, his shoulders trembling with every stuttering sob that slipped past his lips. Her hand landed on his shoulder and he tensed, a whimper escaping his lips. "Eddie," she started, "Look at me."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The brunette haired man let out a shaky sigh, wiping his eyes with the heels of his hands, and quickly pulled himself together before clearing his throat and facing his best friend's sister. Because god damn it, if <em>he </em>was a mess right now, then he could only imagine what she was going through internally. "I'm fine," he said, a little too shakily for it to be believable even to his own ears, "I'm just really regretting some of my choices right now."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Choices?" Maddie echoed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie sighed, <strong><em>'I was going to tell him anyways, so there's no harm in telling Maddie.' </em></strong>He thought silently to himself. Eddie looks down, away from Maddie's eyes, and with a light flush crawling up his neck, right to his cheeks, he admits; "I'm in love with your brother, and I was going to tell him today. That's why I invited him over, that's where he was driving to; we were going to talk, and I was going to say it to him, but now he... He's hurt, and he's in surgery, and so many things can go wrong, and if it weren't... If I hadn't... If I had just <em>told him</em>, maybe he... Maybe this wouldn't... He'd still be okay."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie didn't dare meet Maddie's eyes. He didn't dare look up. He waited for her reply, but it never came, because in that moment a doctor was calling his name:</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Edmundo Diaz?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie’s head turned so fast, he got whiplash. He stood up so quickly that he almost toppled over, but he regained his balance and made his way to the doctor, “Yes?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The doc wore a pained smile, “I’m doctor Andrew Mills. I was Evan’s surge –”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Buck,” Eddie corrected, “He prefers Buck.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Buck only ever let his sister or Eddie call him Evan, and if Eddie felt a small twinge of pride that Buck would include him in the duo of people who were allowed to call him by his legal name? Well then that was between him and god.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dr. Mills nodded, “Buck,” he corrected himself, “I was Buck’s surgeon. I’m very sorry to have to be the one to ask you this, but are you aware that Buck appointed you as his power of attorney?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Wait.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“His– What?” Eddie asked, brows furrowing in confusion. “Whatever he made me, I don’t care right now; how is he? Is he out of surgery? Can Maddie, his sister, and I go see him soon?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“He is out of surgery,” the doc said gently, clearly figuring out the best way to say what he needed to say next, “But he... Buck is on life support. Where is Maddie? Is she here? I’d like to offer you both a private room where we can discuss this.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Discuss <em>what?</em>” Eddie demanded. “Where is Buck? Why are you telling me I’m his power of attorney? If he’s out of surgery, why aren’t you telling me how he’s doing!?” He was breathing hard, his voice had risen. He was frustrated, and he was scared. He just wanted to be with Buck.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He felt hands on his shoulders and didn’t have to turn around to know it was Chim, and Maddie was at Eddie’s side in an instant. She was surprisingly collected and pulled together. She looked the doctor in the eyes and asked, “How is he doing?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dr. Mills extended his hand to his side, “You all can follow me; we can talk in a more private setting about Evan’s options.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Buck.” Eddie growled under his breath, but the doc either didn’t catch it or chose to ignore it. Either way, they were soon all sitting together at a table in a conference room a little further from the entrance to the ER and the waiting area.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dr. Mills didn’t waste any time; “The only thing keeping Evan alive right now is our life support machine. He is brain dead; he will never be able to breathe again on his own, or wake up, or make any movement. Edmundo Diaz, you are his power of attorney, appointed by Evan himself...”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But by then, Eddie had stopped listening. After hearing the words <em>“brain dead”</em> leave Dr. Mills’ mouth, he’d suddenly been hit with the horrifying realization of what was to come. He was going to have to make a decision on Buck’s behalf.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was going to have to ask for Buck to be taken off of life support; Buck was going to die.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie was sitting by himself a little way outside of Buck’s room. His back was screaming at him, because god almighty, these fucking chairs are uncomfortable as hell. But he couldn’t care less about that right now. His brain was pounding with the echo of Christopher’s words when Eddie has called Abuela and asked her to pass Chris the phone so Eddie could explain the situation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>“YOU HAD A CHOICE!” Christopher had sobbed, the sound of Abuela trying to console him in the background could only slightly be heard over the boy’s heartbreaking cries. “I don’t want Buck to die!” Christopher had said.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Chris, I’m so sorry, there’s not much else I can do, I... He won’t wake up, Christopher. This is the best –”</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I don’t want to lose Buck!”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The sound of footsteps pulled Eddie out from his own mind, but he didn’t look up. He could hear someone sit down in the chair beside him, he could feel their eyes on him. But still, Eddie didn’t look up. He was a mess right now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Eddie?" Maddie spoke gently, silent tears making their way down her cheeks; she reached out a hand to touch his arm and rubbed his bicep softly. "Do you want to sit with him before me and Howie? Athena, Bobby, and Hen are in there right now."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Athena? When had she arrived?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"No," he said, his voice ragged and broken, "I can't.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Eddie, you need to –”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I <em>can't.</em> Not yet. I can't say goodbye yet, I need more time. Please, Maddie." Eddie pleaded, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes, as if he could shove the tears so far back, all the way into his brain, so they wouldn't dare roll down his cheeks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There was a soft sigh, and then a gentle press of Maddie's lips against his temple. She squeezed Eddie's shoulder tenderly, "Okay. Howie will come get you when he and I are done saying our..." Maddie paused, her lip trembling. Eddie heard her clear her throat, and then the trembling of her voice when she said, "He'll come get you," before walking away a little too quickly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie knew this had to be so hard on her. And part of him felt like a total and complete ass for acting as though <strong>he </strong>was the one being affected the most. But another part of him was too drained and emotionally exhausted to think too much about that, because right down the hall was Buck, attached to oxygen machines, laying in a hospital bed with his eyes –his beautiful fucking blue eyes that Eddie will never see again– closed, his body still and unmoving, his–</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Dad?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie looked up once he heard the small, familiar voice. He saw Chris shuffling towards him with Abuela not too far behind, her eyes full of sadness and sympathy for both Eddie and Christopher.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie quickly wiped his eyes and struggled to pull himself together for the sake of his son. "Hey, little man." He said, his voice raw and shaky, he held his arms out to Chris and propped the little boy on his lap. Christopher wrapped his small arms around Eddie's neck tightly, his crutches bumping lightly against the man's shoulders, and he buried his face against the crook of his father's neck. His soft curls tickled Eddie's jaw, but Eddie only closed his eyes and let the feeling ground him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I'm sorry I yelled at you," Chris said, "When Abuela gave me the phone to talk to you, I yelled at you for telling the doctor to take Buck off of the support machine; I’m sorry. Abuela told me this would be what Buck wanted. You're just doing what he would have wanted. Right?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The backs of Eddie's eyes burned, but he desperately fought the tears away; he would <em>not fucking cry</em> in front of his son who needed him at his strongest right now. The brunette man nodded, "You don’t have to apologize. We’re all upset, we’re all going to miss Buck. But, yeah, buddy; this is what he would’ve wanted; you know Buck, he wouldn't want to live confined to a bed forever. That wouldn't even be living, though, would it...” He trailed off, biting his lip hard, trying to re-steady his shaking voice. He sucked in a sharp, unsteady breath before he continued, "Buck's going to a happier place, Chris. And one day, way in the future, you'll get to see him again. And he'll have his arms opened wide for you, and give you the biggest hug in the whole wide world. I know it, buddy. But for now, we gotta live the way Buck would want us to. Okay?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He didn't believe a word.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He knew what he was doing; all these <strong>nice things </strong>he was saying; it was for Chris' benefit. Eddie didn't believe in an afterlife. When you die, that's the end. Eddie knew he'd never get to see Buck again. He knew he'd never get to tell him what he was going to tell him that day. Buck would never hear, he would never know, how fucking much Eddie loved him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Daddy, you're shaking."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Christopher's tiny, unsure voice brought Eddie back to Earth. He quickly wiped the few tears that'd fallen, "I'm just gonna miss him."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Christopher clung to his dad tighter, Eddie could hear the soft sniffles muffled by his own neck. His heart twisted in his chest painfully, and it only worsened when Chris said, "Me too. You'll always be here, daddy, right?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie squeezed his eyes shut, grinding his teeth together, anything, just so he wouldn't cry right now. "I'll sure try, buddy."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie looked up when he felt Abuela's hand press gently against his shoulder (the one that Christopher wasn't leaning his head against) and couldn't help but let a few tears fall when she smiled painfully at him. "I'm going to get some coffee, <em>cariño,</em> do you want some?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The man shook his head but smiled gratefully, slowly wiping his eyes with the back of his hand before returning it to rest on Christopher's back, "No, thank you, I'm okay. When I go and say my... My goodbye's, will you stay with him?" He motioned with his head towards Chris, who was still clinging to his dad like a lifeline. "I don't think he should see him the way he looks right now. Doc says he's beyond recognition. I don’t want him to remember Buck that way.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She nodded gravely, cupping Eddie's cheek lovingly, "Of course.”</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <br/>
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</p>
<p>Eddie settled himself down into the chair beside Buck's bed. He was shaking; his hands, his arms, his thighs. Everything. He didn't want this to be real; Eddie wanted <em>so much</em> for this to be the worst kind of nightmare. But as he looked at Buck's bruised and swollen face, and listened to the sound of the oxygen machine pumping fake breath into Buck's lungs, he knew it was real.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He knew that this was goodbye.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie reached forward, onto the hospital bed, and took Buck's hand. It was warm, and Eddie could smell the younger man’s scent when he brought the knuckles to his lips, closed his eyes, and inhaled the smell of his best friend who was also the man who he was so deeply in love with.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The man he'd die for.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But now Buck was the one who was dying, and Eddie couldn’t do a damn thing about it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The brunette squeezed Buck's limp grip, kissing each knuckle and finger with so much love, so much passion, and so much pain. His tears fell onto the back of Buck's hand but Eddie hardly noticed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Buck, I'm so sorry," he started, and goddamn, he was already fucking crying, "I don't know if there's any way we could've prevented what happened today. But I know that I... I should have told you this a long time ago, Evan. I was going to tell you today. I was..." He clenched Buck's hand tight, resting his forehead against it, as he broke down in pitiful cries of regret, shame, and self-deprecation. "I should've told you," he sobbed, "I should've said it so long ago, Buck, but I love you. I love you, I love you, and I'm so sorry you have to leave us and not know how loved you are. I wish it were me, Buck, I really do. If I could trade places, I fucking would, because I know even if I die, Christopher would have you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"You deserve so many more years, Evan Buckley. You deserve a lifetime more than what you got. You're a hero, Buck. You're <strong>my fucking hero.</strong> You always have been; even way before the tsunami, when you saved Christopher and brought him back to me – even though you beat yourself up so many times, even after I told you not to. But since when did you ever do what you were told, huh?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He couldn’t even get himself to smile after his attempt at making a joke, because who was there to laugh? He would never hear Buck laugh again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie cleared his throat and continued talking, “You were always my hero, because you saved me from myself. You and Chris and me, the three of us; we were a home. My home, I found it in both of you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Everything made sense when I let you into my life and Christopher's. Those hundreds of nights where we sat on that couch, watched movies, played video games, talked for fucking hours about the dumbest shit. I had hundreds of times where I could've told you the truth, but I didn't, and god, I'm so –” Eddie choked, pounding a fist into his thigh, because <strong><em>god damn it,</em></strong> he can't even look into Buck's eyes when he's saying this; when he's saying his goodbye.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie tugged at his hair, a keening sob ripping past his lips, "I'm so sorry, Evan, god I'm so fucking sorry. I want you to wake up, I want this to not be real, why can't you wake up, why, god damn it, why?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The rise and fall of Buck's torso was cruel enough to almost trick Eddie into thinking this was just temporary, that Buck would wake up in a day or so, and things would be back to normal.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Almost.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But Eddie was smarter than that. The rhythmic motions of Buck's chest were nothing more than a façade; a false truth, a cruel joke being played on him by the universe, a reminder of the fact that he'd failed the only thing in his life that made him feel like he had a place of belonging. Of course there was the 118, his chosen family, and he didn't regret that for one second. But Buck was <em>home.</em> Buck was the place he could go at the end of the day and sink into the lull of the blonde's slightly drunk-off-of-cheap-beer voice telling him, <em>“You're too hard on yourself, Eds, you're a good man. No bull shit, only the truth. I'm honored to be this close to you, to be your friend, to be in Christopher's –that amazing kid's– life.”</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>“The honor was mine.” Eddie rasped, finally lifting his eyes so they fell upon Buck's battered face. He gently pushed a hand and fingers through the younger man's mussed up hair. He softly traced the swollen skin where Buck's birthmark sat, just above his brow, and above his eye. As he sat in silence, caressing Buck's face for what would be the last time, -and the first time, because friends don't touch each other that way- he couldn't help but think of what he told Christopher. And he couldn't help but argue with his aversion to the thought of an afterlife, because for someone as good as Evan Buckley, surely there had to be a place after this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Right?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A place of peace, of rest. An infinity, where good souls could be rewarded for the lives they imprinted on the hearts of, and left an effect on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie pressed his lips to that birthmark, and whispered against Buck's skin, “You were my infinity.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next few hours were a complete and utter blur; Eddie had completely lost it when he, Hen, Maddie, Bobby, Chim, and Athena stood in Buck’s room as the blonde’s lifeless body was detached from the oxygen. He’d broken down in a fit of screaming sobs until Chimney had to physically hold him back from rushing towards Buck as his body writhed and convulsed – the human body’s natural response to being deprived of oxygen; your body will fight, until it no longer can, because there is nothing left for you to fight for; Buck was brain dead. His body may have physically reacted, but not for long.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Soon, the sound of the monitor flat-lining pierced the room, and Eddie fell to his knees, his mouth agape in a silent, tortured scream as his hands met his head, his fingers curled into his own hair, and he doubled over onto the floor, collapsing in sobs.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was like there was nothing else around him, and no one else in that room. It was just him and his shattered heart that was <strong>throbbing</strong> inside of his chest, and each moment that went by where he knew Buck was no longer alive, the throb only intensified until it threatened to take all of his senses away, and leave him paralyzed on the hospital floor, right next to Buck’s dead body on the hospital bed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Somehow, Eddie managed to make it home, and he was on his phone ordering takeout because hell if he was going to cook or do anything which required effort tonight after he’d just lost Buck – which hadn’t even fully registered in his brain yet, not really. Part of him still expected Buck to use his spare key and walk through the door:</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>“Pizza, again, Diaz? Kids actually need home-cooked meals sometimes, you know? Move aside, let me whip you up the best fucking dinner of your goddamn life, son.”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie placed the order and set his phone down; he hadn’t replied to anyone’s texts asking if he was alright. What the hell would he say in response, anyways? He wasn’t fucking fine, he wasn’t fine <strong>at all.</strong> And he possibly never would be totally fine ever again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Dad?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie looked up to see Christopher standing a little ways from the couch the man was sitting on, holding a photo frame in his hands.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, buddy, what’s that there?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s... A photo, of me and Buck.” Chris answered, and oh god, the tiny sniffle that signaled to Eddie that the boy had been crying prior was heart-shattering.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie held out his hands to his son, “Come here, let’s see it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Chris shuffled forwards, letting Eddie pick him up and be placed on the man’s lap, the photograph still clutched in his hands. Eddie’s heart twisted at the photo; it was Buck and Christopher sitting by the Christmas tree in Eddie’s home the year before this one. Buck had his arms wrapped around Chris’ torso, his fingers tickling the little boy’s sides; Christopher’s mouth was opened in what was obviously a loud laugh, and Eddie could still hear his son’s pleads for Buck to “stop, stop, I’m ticklish, Buck!!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie had taken the photo.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He shut his eyes tight as the tears started to flow, and his breath hitched in his throat once he felt his son’s lips press to his cheek in what was his attempt at consoling his dad. “Buck wouldn’t want you to cry, dad.” The boy said, and fuck, yeah, he was right. But it was as if Eddie no longer owned the control of his body; he couldn’t keep the tears in even if he tried. Christopher continued, “You told me we have to live how Buck would have wanted. We have to make him happy, dad.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie bit back a sob and grit his teeth, because his wise-beyond-his-years, adorable, selfless son was absolutely right. He kissed Chris’ curly head, “You made him so happy, all the time; you know that, right buddy?” He felt the boy nod from his place against Eddie’s chest. The brunette man held his boy tighter, squeezing him maybe just a little too tightly, but Christopher didn’t even seem to mind this time in contrast to his many giggly protests in the past of, <em>“Dad! You’re crushing me!”</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’ll be okay,” Eddie whispered, closing his eyes as he rested his chin on the top of Chris’ head, “We’ll be just fine. I’ll always be right here for you, Christopher.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The days after Buck’s death and eventual funeral turned into months, which then turned into years, which then turned into decades.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Christopher had married at the merry age of thirty-one, had begun a family, and had given Eddie grandchildren to be very proud of. He’d retired from the firehouse at the age of sixty, sold the home that Christopher had grown up in, and had bought himself a small apartment within close driving-distance to Chris’ and his wife’s home.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie was eighty-six now, and in all the time he’d spent since Evan Buckley’s unfortunate death all those years ago, he’d never married or found another partner. But it was okay, because Eddie had three beautiful grandchildren, a son who he loved with his whole heart, a daughter-in-law who treated him like a father, and the friends from firehouse 118 who he still remained in touch with up until the inevitable day in which he ended up on his death bed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was in and out of consciousness, barely feeling the squeeze of Christopher’s wife’s hand on his, and her other hand on her husband’s shoulder. He barely heard the muffled, “I love you, dad,” from his son who had then let Eddie know “it’s okay, you can let go – I’ll never forget everything you taught me, dad, you’ll always be my hero. You don’t have to hold on anymore. You can be in peace; Buck’s waiting for you, dad. I love you so much.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And if a switch had been flicked, there was Buck, standing at the foot of Eddie’s bed; the blonde looked the way he did back when he was alive, still just as handsome, just as beautiful, as Eddie had always remembered him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They were face-to-face in a heartbeat; their fingers laced together, Buck leaning forward to rest his forehead against Eddie’s. Eddie drank in the scent of what could only be described as pure bliss. Buck was pure bliss.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Buck.” Eddie whispered, his left hand breaking from its grasp on Buck’s right hand and trailed up the blonde man’s face, up to the beautiful birthmark that Eddie had always loved so much even when Buck was always so self conscious about it. He traced it with his fingertips, remembering the kiss he’d placed upon the mark when he’d said goodbye. He smiled through the tears and let out a shaky breath, full on grinning now. “I missed you so much, Buck.” Eddie whispered, his moving lips now so close to Buck’s, which were now pulled across his face in that all-too-familiar Evan Buckley smile.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Not as much as I missed you.” He’d answered with a hint of challenge in his tone, the cocky son of a bitch that he was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But Eddie didn’t bite the bait. He didn’t engage in a playful argument, because they had an eternity for that. Instead, he gripped Buck’s hips with both his hands and yanked the man forwards, pressing their lips together in a beautiful kiss, that’d be the first of many now that they were finally together after all the time they’d been apart.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When they pulled away, Buck stepped back a little and took Eddie’s hand in his in a leading gesture, “Come on,” he said softly, still smiling as beautifully as ever, “Let me show you our infinity.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>FIN</em>
  </strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>constructive criticism is always welcomed too, of course. :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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